Things I Hear (and See) as a Stylist That Should Be Illegal

Top 5 Crimes Against Stylists

I’ve been behind the chair a long time… I’ve seen it all, and I mean all. From clients casually confessing their wild secrets 😳 to people treating my shears like community property. Some behaviors I see in the salon should come with fines, warnings, or at least a strongly worded confrontation.

Here are the top five things I hear or see as a stylist that should be absolutely illegal 👮‍♀️

1️⃣ “I bought a pair of scissors.”

😵‍💫 No. Absolutely not. This isn’t arts and crafts, Susan. Just because Sally’s sells something doesn’t mean you should buy them.

First of all… they’re called shears, not scissors. I can always spot a real hairdresser by how they hold them: ring finger in the handle, pinky on the tang. That’s how you know who knows what’s up… and who’s about to fck sh!t up, and not in the good way. 💀.

Now, if you live in a family commune forty minutes from a grocery store, homeschool your kids, and your mom cuts hair in the kitchen at Maw Maw’s Cuts & More. I love that for you 🫶. But for everyone else? Don’t buy your own shears. It only leads to bad haircuts and even more expensive haircuts later 💸.

I promise your bangs will look way cuter when they’re cut with professional tools, by a professional. Step away from Sally’s. NOW! 😤

💡 Punishment: I will confiscate every pair of scissors in your home. You now have to use plastic, child-proof safety scissors for everything. ✂️

2️⃣ Grabbing My Tools 🫣
I wish I made this up. But no, unfortunately it’s real. I once had a woman grab my clippers mid-service and proceed to “show me” how to do it 😐.

I’ll happily surrender my blow dryer if you want to finish the final details on your own hair. Cuz honestly you know it better than I do, and I love my little control freaks 💕. But trying to educate me on my job? That’s next level.

I always chuckle on the inside when clients grab my comb to “show me” where their part is. Thank you, but a simple point would’ve done the trick. But ok, I’m luck you did that because i never learned how to find a part 😏.

Now this last one? It actually makes me angry 😤 and thankfully it doesn’t happen often. But when it does, I’m not nice about it. When kids come over and start grabbing or playing with my tools.

My outside voice says, “No no, put that down, that’s dangerous.” 😇

My inside voice says: “Listen here, you little sh!t those shears are worth a lot more than your little Hot Wheels, and I will wanna slap you and your mother for the disrespect.” 🤬

💡 Punishment: Write “I will not touch Airika’s things” 100 times… with your favorite lipstick. 💋

3️⃣ “Can you do it cheaper if I bring my own color?”
Oh, sweet angel baby… absolutely not 😇

There are maybe two clients in the history of ever where this exception applies. And trust me, they have very valid reasons FOR ME. But for everyone else? If I let you bring in your own products for me to use, you might as well head out to Maw Maw’s home salon out in the country 🏚️.

I’m a professional. I use professional products because I care about this tiny little thing called my reputation. 👑

You don’t bring your own anesthesia to surgery then ask for a discount, right? Same, same.

The color I use is formulated, tested, and customized for your hair…that’s literally the point.

💡 Punishment: Bring your own bullshit and pay double the original price. (Out of pure, pettiness 💅🏼)

4️⃣ Saying Wild Sh*t in the Chair ☕️
The salon is basically a therapy couch with a hairstyle, and I get that 🛋️💇‍♀️.
I’ve heard it all: affairs 💔, fights 👊, conspiracies 🕵️‍♀️, and mysterious “unexplainable” toxic relationships 😬.

I welcome it with open arms 🤗 because I love the tea ☕️. Mostly though, I have an endless supply of “f*ck you” advice for your problems. And whoever you’re mad at, I hate them too. When you’re in my chair, I’m Team You💅💖.

But let me tell you about one wild day in Chicago 🏙️. This man walks in looking like Christian Bale from American Psycho and starts unloading about how he is “so messed up today.” Naturally, I’m intrigued 👀.

He tells me he’s all upset because he just found out he broke some girl’s collarbone. 😳🙄😬

Obviously, I needed more info. Turns out, he’s on a site for S&M experiences… and, well, things got a little too real 🫥. He accidentally broke her collarbone. Cue me, standing there like: “Oh…okay, not what I expected to hear while holding clippers IN A SALON.” 😅

So I just said, “Holy sh*t. Okay… is she mad?”
He goes, “No, but I feel awful.”
Me: “Alright then… ok. Humm so sorry, about that…...😶….Do you want a quick rinse after the cut to rinse off all the little hairs?”

💡 Punishment: More time with me and unlimited snacks and bevies. You’ve earned it, babe 🍪🥂

5️⃣ Coming in Sick (or Fresh Out of the Gym) 🤢
Listen to me right now ☝️

If you come to my chair sweating like a hooker on half-price day, expect that I will absolutely talk sh*t and tell you how disgusting you are 🤮. Unapologetically.

This especially became a problem when I worked at a gym. . But regardless, expect full harassment.

And if you’re sick and you don’t tell me you’re sick so I can decide whether I want to risk it or not? You’re the problem with the world 🌍. You’re a super spreader, and yes, I call you “COVID” in my head 😷.

If you’re coughing, sweating, or dripping… please, reschedule 🙏 It’s not that deep, it’s just hair. Chill, yo 💁‍♀️

💡 Punishment: I’m sending you straight to Maw Maw for your next haircut ✂️🚗

Final Thought

Being a hairstylist means being part therapist 🧠, part artist 🎨, and part magician 🪄.
I love you! I really do 💕 but next time you come in, keep your hands to yourself, save the Skinamax-level secrets for your group chat 📱, and please, for the love of the hair gods, don’t show up sweaty or sick 🤧.

Good vibes please ✨

No bad habits. I will accept wild confessions, but definitely no DIY scissors.